Saturday, December 1, 2012
COMFORT READING by Toni McGee Causey
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Positive and Negative Spaces by Toni McGee Causey
This post was first published at Murderati on Sunday, October 4, 2009. Reprinted with Toni's permission.
Positive and Negative Spaces
by Toni McGee Causey
When I first went to college, my major was Architecture. (I had not yet realized that I could actually be a writer as an official occupation.) I couldn’t wait to take architecture courses and I perused the curriculum in the student’s catalog and read through the course descriptions with a lust that most kids that age reserved for hot cars or cold beer. (The caveat—I already had a hot car—a 1968 cherry red Mustang,
and I had access to plenty of cold beer.) (Hi Dad. I totally did not drink until I was officially 18, the legal age of drinking, because I was a very very good kid who did everything her dad told her.) (You cannot ground me retroactively, don’t even try.)
Anyway, I wanted to be an architect, and I imagined all the sorts of buildings I would design. I endured the first semester of boring classes and looked forward to being able to take Engineering Design, the very first freshman level course that was one of the official architecture courses.
It is apparently not kosher to make wild-ass guesses, which is how I would frequently solve math problems, and they heavily frowned on the eeny-meeny-miny-moe method. Ironically, I had placed out of every math requirement, including calculus—I had this uncanny ability to guess the right answers on tests, and yet, my professors, picky bastards, would not go with the percentage route that I was going to be correct a good solid 80 to 90% of the time. 10% to 20% of the buildings falling down would be bad.
It was a very short career.
In spite of that, I’ve remained fascinated with architecture over the years, as well as interior design. I pore over magazines and web sites, absorbing new trends. I have dozens of coffee table books with photos of spaces—old plantations, castles, bungalows along an Italian coastline, the white cities of Greece.
Recently, Janet Reid recommended a little book titled: 101 Things I Learned in Architecture School by Matthew Frederick. I love this little book. Since I didn’t even get past “2 things I learned…” in my own career, it was like having a crash course in all of the cool terms I’d wanted to study, but hadn’t. Some of these things I had picked up in my journeys, but it’s nice to see them laid out so simply. What I expected when I bought the book: to learn a few more terms, satiate that longing to design by at least sidling up to it and conversing with it a bit.
What I had not expected when I bought it is to see an entire book that has as much to do with writing and living as it does architecture. And I hadn’t expected to have a startling revelation about my own life.
Now, to be fair to Mr. Frederick, he did not design the book with the latter in mind—it’s something I simply “saw” in the book. Which is a bit ironic, since the revelation occurred over the architectural term “positive and negative space.”
Mr. Frederick defines these terms thusly:
“We move through negative spaces and dwell in positive spaces.”
It’s a simple concept.
When I thought about this in relation to writing, I had a twofold appreciation for the term. First off, just the physical aspect of the page—the words and paragraphs create positive space and the white space around it is the negative space. If you pick up any manuscript and it’s filled with long, dense paragraph after paragraph, it feels cluttered and heavy, weighted and overwrought, even before you’ve read a single word. A reader brings with her the expectation of balance, and you need white space to achieve that balance. Too much white space, though, feels bereft of weight, of value, of deeper meaning, and so it’s the writer’s job not only to craft the words, but to pay attention to the space those words take up on the page.
Simple enough, right?
The other meaning when applied to writing is the creation of the worlds we hope to evoke. Mr. Frederick goes on to explain:
“The shapes and qualities of architectural spaces greatly influence human experience and behavior, for we inhabit the spaces of our built environment and not the solid walls, roofs, and columns that shape it. Positive spaces are almost always preferred by people for lingering and social interaction. Negative spaces tend to promote movement rather than dwelling in place.”
Again, simple.
In writing a book, we’re attempting to create a world. We want to do such a fine job, that the readers feel as if they’ve inhabited that world and that they’ve met the people who live there, and know them well.
One time, a long time ago, my husband and I were house shopping. In the course of a random conversation with a man we’d met, he mentioned that he and his wife were about to put their house up for sale. When he described the location, it piqued our interest, because it was very close to where we’d been previously looking, and this house happened to be on a small lake with a decent view. It was the exact size we were looking for and, miracle of miracles, it was in our price range. We made an appointment to go view the home and double-checked with the owner prior to arriving to make sure the time was still convenient, since, obviously, they were still living in the home and it wasn’t yet listed.
We wound through the neighborhood of unique homes and arrived at his address to see a beautiful Craftsman styled house set against big oaks and a few pine trees. The landscaping was impeccable—and lush. They’d eschewed the boxy, regimented style of an English garden look and had, instead, created a free-flowing design that invited you to move through a winding walkway through a wonderland of color until you reached the front door. We had a hard time keeping our mouths from gaping open with awe and lust. I didn’t want them to add another $20K just from the look on our faces.
They had not created for themselves a positive space to dwell; instead, they’d created a negative space that they could only move through. Disconnected, they became apathetic to their needs—each others’ and their own—and the family dissolved.
I’ve had people hand me novels in the past for critique and they spend a couple of chapters (or more) “building the world” – telling the reading about the political and economic machinations which have brought this world into being, into the state we find it in at this moment in time. It’s a huge mistake to do this. For one thing, the story hasn’t started yet until the characters are moving through that world and experience conflict within it. For another, the writer isn’t trusting the reader to extrapolate the positive and negative spaces from a select few examples.
If you look at the paragraph above describing the clutter, I’d be willing to bet you mentally filled in those rooms, though I didn’t describe a single stick of furniture, or the style of the interior. You filled every nook and cranny with junk in your image, though I didn’t get very specific about the junk. What’s more, if you thought about the couple, I’d be willing to be you saw them both in rather rumpled, dragged from the laundry basket wrinkled clothes, though I never described them.
We don’t have to give pages and pages of details—we just need to give a select few that show not only the space the characters are in, but how they’re interacting with that space. Some of our own choices are determined by economics which can be beyond our control, but some of the choices we make in our surroundings communicate who we are and what we think of ourselves. Same with our characters and their worlds: how do they dwell? What do they move through? Why? What does their surroundings say about them? What does yours say about you?
While I was thinking about this application of the architectural terms of negative and positive space, and simultaneously reading JT’s blog about the clutter of the online media and the expectations of what we have to do to create a writing career and maintain it, along with marketing it, I had an abrupt-but-fine appreciation for the connotations of positive and negative spaces and how they impact our lives. With regard to the social media/marketing aspect, I think the online world—particularly Twitter and Facebook—create the illusion of positive space, a space to dwell. Only, there is no “space” there, there is no permanent peace or interaction with tangible walls and windows, living areas and social areas. It’s all hallways and moving, traffic and business with the veneer of being social, and at its most fundamental sociological construct, it’s in disharmony with our need to dwell, because in social media, we’re always moving through. Targeting something—more interaction, more movement, more recognition, more awareness (both of each other, of marketing needs and trends, of products, not necessarily just of our own products).
It makes sense, then, that these sorts of venues create a sense of discord over time. I think it’s ironic, but I think that while it gives the illusion of greater intimacy and friendship, it also emphasizes the disconnect we have in our lives because we’re not interacting with a space or with a person, but with a computer screen. I enjoy Twitter, and, tangentially, Facebook, but I have felt far less stress in this last month since I have cut back my interaction at both places to just a few minutes a day.
Aside from that, though, is another fundamental truth of space, and it’s the fact that we build our environment. We choose where we’re going to dwell (or, at least, what we surround ourselves with in our dwelling place). The epiphany I had when reading Mr. Frederick’s book was that the positive and negative spaces were a part of our philosophy of life, not just our physicality in life. (I know this is not a new concept. It just opened up something for me.)
I’ve always been the type of person who was an overachiever. I’d accomplish something, check it off as done and move on to the next thing. It felt lazy, almost, to just… be. To be in a place and time without some sort of pressing item that needed to be achieved next. The problem with this was that I was dwelling in the corridors of my life. If something was done, it was over and I passed on through to the next challenge, and there was no space to just enjoy.
In the world of publishing, there is always the next hurdle. Always.
As soon as you finish a book, you have to try to get an agent. As soon as you get an agent, you have to try to sell it. As soon as you sell it, you have to start worrying about what changes they’re going to want and whether you can deliver that. As soon as you deliver that, there are marketing decisions that are made (often without your input) and marketing decisions you make (which increases the pressure), because now there is a goal: sell the books. While all of this is going on, you’re trying to either write the next book on a contract (and you are worrying whether or not you can hit the bar you’ve set for yourself again, whether you even remember how to write a book, and why on earth did you think you could do it again?) or you’re trying your dead level best to convince someone that yes, you can write another one and here it is, or here is the proposal. As soon as your first book goes on sale, all sorts of goals will crop up—will it do well enough, will it further your career, will it die a stone cold death and stop your career. If the former, the bar is set higher. If the latter, that’s a whole set of other problems / goals / fears. People will tell you to stop and enjoy the moment, but you’re generally so frantic to accomplish all of the stuff you need to accomplish in the short window that your book will be on the shelf that by the time you think you have time to stop and enjoy it, it’s long past gone and is probably buried under the last three goals you were striving for.
It is very difficult to just “be” and dwell.
But positive space—not just positive thinking, but positive space—is as necessary to our mental health and our survival as that negative space—that moving, ever onward. We need the connections around us, the grounding in the here and now, the raft of joy in the midst of a chaotic world, to replenish the soul and the well of creativity. You can go a lot of years without doing this, and still function. I can attest to that. But you’ll be missing so much.
So beyond just the writing applications of space and how it’s relevant to character development, my own personal philosophy has shifted in priorities: take the time to enjoy the people around you. Take the time to look at the things you have done and enjoy them. Dwell. Be. Replenish. The world and the race will still be there when you’re ready to re-join. There is no one final race anyway, but millions of races. If you don’t join this day’s race, you can join tomorrow’s.
Questions:
What is one thing you’d change about your physical environment that would make it a more pleasant place to dwell? Does your environment reflect the real you? If not, why not?
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
It's my blog and I'll rant if I want to . . . . .
Here's the thing.
I love to rant. And that's exactly what this started out as.
But, I also try very, very hard to balance it by off-setting something I really dislike with something I like lots.
So, here's the rant I started with, but now infused with some good stuff, and a request at the end for you to play too.
I’m an imp. I’ve recently accused a friend of mine of being an imp (and she IS!), but I guess in all fairness, I should toss my hat into the circle of impdom also. But, you know – there are things loads worse than being an imp.
There are those people who thrive on negativity. Ugh. Do they even KNOW they’re being negative? Do they have any idea how they suck the life out of everything around them? Or – very scary thought – is that their intent? Ugh. We all know some people like that, right? And sometimes we have to put up with them, but boy howdy – I’m getting pretty good about keeping them at a distance. And you know what – some of them don’t even realize they’re being kept at a distance! Pfft! That ought to show me how important I am, huh?!
Then there are those people who possess not one iota of generosity. Share some good news with them and they “might” grudgingly say “Oh, I’m so proud of you!” in a tone that totally gives them away as being less than completely honest. Or, they manage to totally ignore the subject at all costs. And here’s where being an imp is the most fun ever. Knowing they want to pretend it doesn’t exist, put it right back on the table whenever and as often as possible. (hear the imp go Tee Hee).
I’ve asked a lot of people about this recently, just 'cause its been on my mind, and learned that the phenomenon of friends not being able to share in friends' joy is a bit more widespread than we'd like to think. And I find it to be a sad thing.
One theory that some Facebook friends share is that they think those people must see the world as a "zero-sum game," meaning that someone else's success takes away from their potential to succeed. One of these friends says she prefers to think that success and happiness are as limitless as the universe, and that the more we celebrate, the more we have to celebrate. I agree and prefer to think that also – the other is too convoluted for my tired ol' brain to understand.
Another friend I've talked with about this managed to come up with a few quotes (I love quotes) that kinda hits this nail right on the head . . .
"Anyone can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend's success."--Oscar Wilde
"Friendship is not possible between two women, one of whom is very well dressed."--Laurie Colwin
" A woman, if she is really your friend, . . . always desires to be proud of you." --- Sir Edward Bulwer-Lytton
and my very favorite of all . . .
"Do not save your loving speeches
For your friends until they are
dead;
Do not write them on their
tombstones,
Speak them rather now instead."
--Anna Cummins
But, you know what.
I don't want to talk about the things I don't like.
I want to talk about some things I like lots. And it just so happens that a couple of the people included in the "Things I Like Lots List" do, in fact, talk about this very thing. This thing I just purely hate. Negativity. And they do it brilliantly! I like it!
I've mentioned here before that there are some blogs out there that I try to read every day. I usually don't get to do that, but I do read them often enough that I'm able to discover true gems pretty often.
I'm going to try to start pulling out one or two every so often to share, and for today's sharing I've chosen two blogs that have been around for a long time.
One is Murderati, and one is The Lipstick Chronicles. It's no surprise that these two have stuck around for such a good while. They're what drew many of us to blogs in the first place. They're elegantly written by astute, bright people who don't mind putting their opinions, along with their feelings, out there for others to embrace. Or reject.
One of the Murderati regulars is Toni McGee Causey. This woman writes what I want to say. Over and over again, this woman writes what I feel. She writes like I would give my left foot to be able to write. She's just dazzling. And her Murderati piece of October 4th - "Positive and Negative Spaces" says worlds. Read it, please. You'll thank me. Betcha.
A member of The Lipstick Chronicles who seems to share some of my pet peeves (and temperament) is Kathy Sweeney. This is a woman I someday hope to meet. Another woman who writes what I want to say. When I read her piece of September 25th - "Time to Weed the Garden (or how to rid yourself of Toxic People)" I just squealed out loud. I wanted to find Kathy Sweeney and give her a hug. So here's another piece I'd like you all to read, please. Again - you'll thank me!
You know - this talking about things you like is fun! So here's another.
Books. Most of you are here because you love books. And you're creative. A lot of you are writers, but a lot of you are creative in totally different areas. What we do know is that creativity spawns creativity. Creativity recognizes creativity. It speaks loudly.
JT Ellison writes about this beautifully at Murderati, and here's another piece, In the Presence of Genius, I recommend. (yep - you'll thank me).
O.K. - so I meandered off my trail of thought there.
Back to what I wanted to share with you before the always brilliant JT Ellison popped into my mind . . .
Books. Don't most of us love being surrounded by books? We do.
There are never enough bookshelves in our homes, right?
Well, here's that love of books reflected in another way, and I just love it.
This is what I'll leave you with.
An image by a painter by the name of Victoria Reichelt who paints bookshelf portraits.
How very cool and lovely is that?
Now.
It's your turn.
Tell me what you love.
OR,
if you're in the mood to rant - tell me what you hate. But. Then you have to off-set it with something you love.
Fair?!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Summer Reading - Part One

Seems it's that time of year when we start seeing Summer Reading Lists all over the place. And - - since I'm one who cannot for the life of me resist a list, I, of course, have my very own summer reading list. ta da!
The one book I'm really impatiently awaiting and tapping my toe for is Pat Conroy's newest. SOUTH OF BROAD. This surprises no one, I'm sure, after the love note to Pat Conroy I left here awhile back. If I were a wealthy woman, I'd buy one of those ARCs available at abebooks.com for somewhere between $50-$75.00. But, big sigh, I'm not. So I'll just continue the toe tapping thing till August 11th when it will finally be released.
This from patconroy.com:
"Against the sumptuous backdrop of Charleston, South Carolina, SOUTH OF BROAD gathers a unique cast of sinners and saints. Leopold Bloom King, our narrator, is the son of an amiable, loving father who teaches science at the local high school. His mother, an ex-nun, is the high school principal and a well-known Joyce scholar. After Leo's older brother commits suicide at the age of thirteen, the family struggles with the shattering effects of his death, and Leo, lonely and isolated, searches for something to sustain him. Eventually, he finds his answer when he becomes part of a tightly knit group of high school seniors that includes friends Sheba and Trevor Poe, glamorous twins with an alcoholic mother and a prison-escapee father; hardscrabble mountain runaways Niles and Starla Whitehead; socialite Molly Huger and her boyfriend, Chadworth Rutledge X; and an ever-widening circle whose liaisons will ripple across two decades-from 1960s counterculture through the dawn of the AIDS crisis in the 1980s. The ties among them endure for years, surviving marriages happy and troubled, unrequited loves and unspoken longings, hard-won successes and devastating breakdowns, and Charleston's dark legacy of racism and class divisions. But the final test of friendship that brings them to San Francisco is something no one is prepared for South of Broad is Pat Conroy at his finest; a long-awaited work from a great American writer whose passion for life and language knows no bounds."
In the meantime, I have some additional books on my Summer Reading List. These are only some of the novels I'm looking forward to reading - we'll do another list in a week or so. But for today, I'm going to kinda stick with a theme - beach related, and southern. Two of my favorite things, in reading and in life.
Here's another August release. One of my favorite series ever. I look forward to Margaret Maron's newest "Deborah" every August. As soon as I get my hands on one, I race through it to see what Deborah's latest adventure entails, then sit down and read it again savoring each word. I welcome Deborah Knott and her family into my home with open arms and talk about her like she's a real person.SAND SHARKS takes Deborah to Wrightsville Beach. I'm particularly looking forward to this one. Wrightsville Beach isn't far from Topsail Island, where Donald and Harley and I spent a week in May, and blogged about right here. Twice! I'm still finding myself looking at the pictures we took while there and dreaming about being back. It's a beautiful part of North Carolina, and since no one captures atmosphere, or writes a better sense of place than Ms. Maron, I'm especially excited to see what SAND SHARKS brings us. The series remains at the tippy top of my "auto-buy books."
Speaking of Topsail Island. Diane Chamberlain writes beautifully about this enchanting spot. Her latest, SECRETS SHE LEFT BEHIND, is ABSOLUTELY on my list of Summer Reading.
Surprisingly, I've heard very little chatter about the new Rebecca Wells novel. THE CROWNING GLORY OF CALLA LILLY PONDER will be released in July. I'm thinking perhaps Ms. Wells' last novel, YA-YAs in BLOOM was a bit of a disappointment to some fans of the earlier Ya-Ya novels. I liked it just fine. Mostly, I think I was especially blown away by the fact that Ms. Wells was able to even write that book while she was suffering dreadfully with Lyme's Disease. I'm excited about reading this one. Amazon.com says "The novel is chock-full of Southern charm and sassy wisdom." Sounds good to me. I'm a fan of Southern charm and sassy wisdom, for sure.
Sticking with my whole "wishing I was still at the beach" theme I can't seem to move beyond this year, I'm also looking forward to reading Patti Callahan Henry's DRIFTWOOD SUMMER where three sisters reunite to save the family’s beach-community bookstore.
One of my favorite writers of "All Things Southern" is Dorothea Benton Frank. She has written a sequel to her very first novel, SULLIVAN'S ISLAND. RETURN TO SULLIVAN'S ISLAND promises a return to a breathtakingly beautiful place, with some of the most eccentric, wild and funny characters you'll ever hope to meet. If you're not familiar with Ms. Frank, do check out her webpage and learn how she came to write her first novel. It's quite the story.
Another perennial favorite of mine is Mary Kay Andrews. Her newest, THE FIXER UPPER finds us carrying on with another of her courageous, outrageous southern women characters who is, by God, going to show the world just how strong she really is. And will have everyone falling completely in love with her while doing it.
AND I'm excited about the next Bobbie Faye adventure. Toni McGee Causey's WHEN A MAN LOVES A WEAPON comes out in August. Bobbie Faye is a HOOT and I love her.You know who is missing from this list? A woman whose writing I love more than I can even say - Anne Rivers Siddons. I haven't seen any mention of anything new from her, but we'll just cross our fingers and hope it'll be soon.
O.K. - that's a partial list of what I plan on reading this summer. Now let's hear what's on your list!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Toni McGee Causey - Dear God, the stick turned blue . . .
Toni lives in south Louisiana and along with her husband, Carl, owns a civil construction company. They have two sons who managed to survive the crazy. Sort of. She’d love it if you visited her site (with links to other blog entries) at http://tonimcgeecausey.com.The first book in the Bobbie Faye series, Charmed and Dangerous,
is a romantic suspense that follows Bobbie Faye Sumrall as she tries to rescue her brother from the kidnappers intent on killing him, while trying to stay ahead of the cops and out of the clutches of her own hostage. You can read an excerpt here, or see what other people are saying about Bobbie Faye here. A starred review from Publishers Weekly described her first Bobbie Faye adventure by saying this: "Causey doesn't miss a beat in this wonderful, wacky celebration of southern eccentricity."
Dear God, the stick turned blue… by Toni McGee Causey
Dear God, Universe, or Elves (I am covering all bases, I cannot afford to be picky here):
The stick turned blue. I'm 19. And a half. The stick turned blue. I think my brains just leaked out of my ears because THE STICK TURNED BLUE. It cannot turn blue. I only had sex once. Okay, maybe twice. That's in base 200. Or something. (Shut up, I am an English major, we're not expected to know higher math.)
Is this like... trial-sies? Practice run? Just to see how good my adrenal system works because let me reassure you right now, IT WORKS JUST FINE, though I think my neighbors might need a hearing aid after all the shrieking died down.
Signed,
Seriously, you're kidding, right?
Dear God, Universe, or Elves:
This is pregnant? This can't stand to move morning sickness bloated pasty can't fit into anything anymore look like a whale and where the hell is my GLOWY feeling? What? Were you out of Deep Fried Crazy Hot for the highs this summer and thought you'd just go ahead and substitute Miserable Seventh Level Of Hades and thought I wouldn't notice?
Signed,
So very not happy with you right now.
Dear God, Universe, or Elves:
It's a boy. Two-and-a-half weeks overdue. GET HIM OUT GET HIM OUT GET HIM OUT GET HIM OUT GET HIM OUT.
Signed,
Hate you and your shoes.
Dear God, Universe, or Elves:
HE CAN STAY IN, I swear, I will shut up, forever, please do not make me have to OHMYGODTHATHURT. If I die and there is a heaven, I am bringing a LEAD BASKETBALL and you'd better not bend over.
Signed,
Never having sex again, ever.
Dear God, Universe, or Elves:
Wow. I just... wow. He's perfect. Unbelievably perfect. And just... wow. Who knew?
Signed,
Okay, you're forgiven.
Dear God, Universe, Or Elves:
Oh, damn. How am I supposed to know what to do? How am I not going to break him? I don't know enough. Maybe when I'm forty. Or fifty. Maybe. I am so going to screw this up.
Signed,
What the hell were you thinking, trusting me?
Dear God, Universe, or Elves:
Um, I hate to mention this, but there is one SERIOUS flaw in your design here. WHERE IS THE OFF SWITCH? I'd like to be able to shower, five minutes. Five. I don't think that's too much to ask.
Signed,
So bringing my stinky self to your doorstep in about three seconds if you don't FIX THIS.
Dear God, Universe, or Elves:
My husband came home and heard me arguing with our two-year-old and took me aside and said, "You're the adult. You have to outsmart him." The sad thing is, I'M TRYING TO.
Signed,
Send brains. Quick.
Dear God, Universe, or Elves:
Okay, I get the whole "have sex, can get pregnant" thing, you can't fool me. And okay, I'm not wholly surprised that I look like I ate an entire football stadium, but they just told me they expect this one to be over nine pounds. NINE. That's like giving birth to a TWO MONTH OLD. WITH TEETH. Why not just go ahead and shoehorn in a COLLEGE GRADUATE while you're at it. Maybe you've got a couple of missing OCEAN LINERS from the Bermuda triangle you don't know what to do with; you can just SHOVE THEM IN MY UTERUS, I DON'T MIND.
Signed,
I hope your hair falls out.
Dear God, Universe, or Elves:
That was really freaking EVIL of you, playing that "cutest kid on the planet" card, twice in a row. It gets easy after this, right?
Signed,
Delirious.
Dear God, Universe, or Elves:
Look, I know you're really busy with all that famine and war and mythical alternate universe of Reaganomics and Wham!, but if you could just take a couple of seconds out of your busy schedule? Because my kids are infected with the HE'S TOUCHING ME HE'S LOOKING AT MY STUFF OH WOE!!!! disease. How much trouble will I be in if I duct tape them together?
Signed,
Duct Tape On Sale Now
Dear God, Universe, or Elves:
He's never going to forgive me for wrapping him in multiple rolls of aluminum foil to turn him into the Tin Man for Halloween, is he? Or the eighteen blocks I made him walk (while re-wrapping him) because we were going to trick-or-treat and we were going to BY GOD HAVE FUN, DAMMIT. I'm still going to hear about this when he's twenty-five, aren't I?
Signed,
Seriously thought about tying the bathroom rug around him for "lion fur"-- he doesn't know how lucky he is.
Dear God, Universe, or Elves:
They are sticking a needle in my four-year-old's back. A needle. They are holding him down in the other room, and he is screaming. They made me leave, because he was lunging for me and he's supposed to be absolutely still.
I just sat across from one of my childhood friends. She's our pediatrician now, and one of the smartest people on the planet. We made mud pies together when we were five and six years old. We even managed to sell them (well, she did, she is that smart).
I never dreamed I would be sitting across from her one day and that she would have to say, "meningitis." That the words "risks" and "death" and "possible brain damage" and "spinal tap" and "could paralyze him" would float, jumbled, over the space between us, that we'd ever talk about the fact that she had to stick a needle in my son's back. A pediatric emergency.
She is sending me to the ER. I'm carrying him (passed out), while my oldest son is clutching his brother's spinal fluids in some sort of glass flask, and I'm supposed to drive to the ER, because we do not have time for an ambulance.
She said to try not to stop for red lights. I CANNOT BREATHE right now, and there is no oxygen going to my brain and I CANNOT STOP FOR RED LIGHTS.
I don't care what it takes, do it to me, not him. I will give you anything. I will give you everything. Just do not do this.
Signed,
begging.
Dear God, Universe, or Elves:
Four days later, and his brother and he are making a slide out of the hospital bed's mattress. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
Signed,
thank you.
(your hair grew back in nicely, by the way)
Dear God, Universe, or Elves:
The oldest is fifteen, and in this state, he can legally drive. HAVE YOU FREAKING LOST CONTROL OF THE UNIVERSE, OR WHAT? How in the world am I supposed to let him drive? I can barely keep from hurling myself in his path to keep him safe while he's WALKING AROUND, BREATHING AIR, dammit. I have tried to remember that they are supposed to grow up to be independent, strong men. I have tried to remember to reinforce their decision-making skills. But this is just asking TOO DAMNED MUCH. It's too soon.
Signed,
Where is the time machine?
Dear God, Universe, or Elves:
ANY PHONE CALL THAT STARTS WITH "Mom, I'm okay, DON'T WORRY," is NOT GOING TO BE GOOD, I don't care HOW earnest you make them sound.
Signed,
Like I am that easily fooled. Ha.
Dear God, Universe, or Elves:
I sat on the floor in the hallway today where I could see into the door of each of their rooms. They are empty, now, of boy stuff. One is an exercise room, and one a guest bedroom.
I did not break them. I screwed up. A lot, sometimes. I got self absorbed and busy and short tempered. I lost confidence and lost my way, but I did not break them. I remember the smiles, the laughter, the tooth fairy, the Christmas mornings, the late night talks. There were baseball games, wrestling tournaments, graduations and hysterically funny meals. I remember tears and heartache and not knowing if just loving them more than breathing was going to be enough. I remember too many close calls where it seemed like it might not be. But they are funny and smart and good hearted men. They have (mostly) outgrown the HE'S TOUCHING ME HE'S LOOKING AT MY STUFF OH WOE!!!! disease, and so get along pretty amazingly well. They make me laugh and surprise me and are fascinating people. They are kind. They treat people well, and they not only love deeply, but they are loved deeply in return. They are both the kind of men who, if I just met them somewhere, I'd like them tremendously. They have started families.Wonderful women I'm so lucky to have in our family. A granddaughter (the most beautiful, happy baby in the world).
You did not tell me when you gave me that blue stick that you were giving me my heart. You did not tell me that you were giving me everything that mattered.
Dear God, the stick turned blue.
THANK YOU.
Signed,
toni, a mom.



